Saturday, August 30, 2008
I have had too many lately. Good things have been happening but it seems like the bad are overlapping them and the bad seems to be all that gets remembered.
For "Good Things-Bat Things" example;
Kaylee started kindergarten (good thing) and Friday was one week that she's been in school.
While that is an awesome thing for me, especially at the age of 44, it didn't seem to be the great thing I anticipated.
I missed her here (bad thing)
I had so much to do that the days passed too quickly and I was almost late to pick her up twice (bad thing)
I am still not caught up (bad thing)
I have not accomplished a darn thing I set out to in the first week of school (bad thing)
We have a family reunion this weekend. (good thing)
All of my sisters will be there. That's awesome, and I am really looking forward to it. (good thing)
They don't like reunions (bad thing)
They are coming but don't really want to (bad thing)
I'm miserable with pain (bad thing)
=) hairline fracture in lt ankle, torn meniscus in rt knee, sciatic nerve pinched in rt hip (probably from limping on knee):) and then to make it even better, I have two absessed teeth that we can't get the infection under control. (bad things)
To top it all off, now, after two rounds of strong antibiotics, I have the yeastie beasties! Dang it! (really bad thing)
I think between Mom, Andrea, Edie, Mary and I, we have everything...(good thing)
I'm not sure we have everything.... (bad things)
Anyway, (venting) (good thing), I am trying to see God in everything but all I see is that my jaw is swollen, along with my knee, ankle and God is somewhere in there. I've gained so much weight, I'm beginning to think that's why I can't see God.....maybe I ate Him... (nah, just kidding)
I want to be the happy, go lucky, fun loving, wanna be with you kind of person that I used to be, and play in the floor and pool and yard with my children, grandchildren and neices and nephews like I dreamed.
If this is not the reality, then why the dream....God...I'm still looking...
I have determined that I am a work in progress and God is not done with me yet. Maybe I'm too pigheaded to see/hear what it is He wants me to be/do and so I'm delaying the process but I simply do not understand what's happened to me over the last 8 years.
If I am a work in progress, what more can I expect....exactly what lesson is He trying to teach me and why can't I see it?
Am I that dense? Slow? Retarded?
I mean, really, how hard can it be to figure out that if you are beaten down enough, there HAS to be a reason and it is for the betterment of His kingdom so, HELLO.....what am I supposed to be doing that I'm not already doing?
If I am a work in progress, how much longer will I be subjected to laughter, ridicule and pain? I can actually live (very uncomfortably and with medicine) with pain but the laughter and ridicule are getting old. I can't complain about anything hurting or the look pops into the other persons eyes that says, "Well, here she goes again....what's wrong with her now? Can't she ever be healthy, or stay out of the hospital or not have something that requires another, another, another, another surgery?"
Yep, OLD! But I deal.
Yep, this is a vent (good thing remember) blog but also a release from some pent up passion that I've been holding in for some time.
A passion to be well, to be happy, a passion to be me, even if I can't be the old me, I want to be a great me.
I want to be a whole me, I want to be a better me, I want to be what God wants me to be but I'm really tired of trying.
There, said it.
I guess in the long run, I am entitled...but then there are so many that are worse off than me...
A good friend of mine has a son, Zach, age 10, diagnosed 4 weeks ago with Leukemia....in childrens hospital in Austin.
One of my newly adopted children, Ethan, 17, Ohio, has been transferred to a clinic in Dublin, Ireland to try to treat an infection that has been trying to kill him for some time and now, it's in his heart. He accepted Christ only months ago after reading several of my blogs and asked me to pray with him over the internet to accept Christ and now he is having trial after trial.
I know that these things have nothing to do with me, but it does make me think, cuz when you are down, you go there.....am I always going to be this way? Am I really going to have to call myself handicapped? Disabled? Spend the rest of my life whirling around in a wheelchair?
Why does my hubby stay?
What more can I put him through before he leaves me?
Do my kids get tired of me saying to them, "can you please get this, do that, go here, take care of that for me..."
WILL THEY PUT ME IN A HOME FOR DECREPIT PEOPLE? (and leave me there)
Well, enough of that....that is not exactly where I was going with this blog originally....What I wanted to say was this:
I know the old sayings;
"If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it"
"He won't give you anymore than you can bare"
"Don't sweat the small stuff"
But, I'm tired of reaching out of the hole for air! I'm tired of hanging by the nails I've completely chewed off, to the edge of the cliff.....
I'm tired of looking up and having my neck hurt from the effort, I'm tired of the exema on my knees from constantly being on them pleading for a pain free MINUTE! Just one minute. Not days, weeks, or even hours....just one minute.
I am a work in progress.....can anyone tell me where this progress is supposed to be taking me? I'm not hearing/seeing God's message and I'm tired of trying to find the answers, so if you have any idea...please share.....I'm open to suggestions....
Hugs and Blessings,
A tired work in progress
Joshua 1:9 New International Version (NIV)
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9 New King James Version (NKJV)
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”