Thursday, December 18, 2008
How to survive the Holidays in a daze.....
That does NOT mean that I have no Christ, just not the spirit of the holiday. It took all my efforts to raise a tree, and clean house for a party here, and to get some things done, in general for the Christmas season. I am afraid that by the time I find it, it will be over and time to take it all down and pack it up again.
Maybe I packed it all up last year and I've just not unpacked it yet? Is that possible?
For the last 8 years, and 9 Christmas's, we've celebrated without my son. I not only feel led to talk about this but that God has a plan for this particular blog. Someone somewhere will read it and "make it through" another holiday.
This year has seemed to fly by, as most of mine do lately with my hobbies, beading and surgeries and all.....but for some unknown reason, I am having trouble this Christmas, finding the happiness that has been so much a part of my past Christmas's. I do not want to stuff the stockings that I love so much. I am not much in the giving spirit, which is one of my biggest joys in life. I am not wanting to watch people open gifts. It's as if I am wanting to sit this one out and wait for a better one. I don't know.
This is not a depressed, come rescue me blog, just heartfelt words of unwisdom that spew from my brain.
I seriously miss my little boy who has celebrated 9 Christmas with the REAL GIFT. I do not wish for him to come back, but I do, now and again, wish he'd never left. I could never ask him to come back from the glories he's in now to this place where people have given up on God, left him on the street corner to wash down the drain.
I can't ask him to come back to a place where even little things like "In God We Trust", has now been removed from our currency.
I can't ask him to come back even for that one last hug, because that would be unfair to him....
Soooo.....how do I survive this holiday?
I'm not sure, but I know that with God as my strength, I will make it. I will keep on smiling, I will keep on sharing, praying, crying, laughing, giving, (receiving is nice too.....) and I will make it through another Christmas without Ian.
I don't hear his name much anymore, but when I do, it brings tears of sadness and a light of happiness into my heart.
No one really reads my blogs here so I can safely say that in the midst of my trials, Ian is still to this day, at the forefront of my mind and heart.
I still feel like celebrating that he lived, not that he died. He died. BUT....he lived for 7 years first. That is how I get through the holidays.
Each and every Christmas since he died, I have written him a letter and put it in his stocking, that still hangs with ours on the hall tree, telling him what the year has brought and what I have tried to do in his memory for someone else. I would love to tell you that I did something grande in his honor this year but I did not. I helped some people I'd never met, during the Ike season, I gave my time and prayers to several people in the hospital and visited them there and prayed with them. I have joined groups that I can do a small part to help with financial needs, but in all, what did I really do? Just what any Christ follower would have done. Help those who need help. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing astonishing, nothing miraculous, but I felt good doing them and it made me happy for a mere moment in time.
I can't afford to give to everyone and actually am in need of some help myself, but as is my nature, I would love to offer something to you....(haha anyone reading this...of my 0 readers)...
"Father, I pray that You bless the one reading this right now, that You wrap them in Your loving arms and shower them with Your abundant mercy and goodness. I pray that You will look upon them with favour and grace and that You will rain down Your love on their families. Guide them through this "holidaze" season, allowing them to see the many blessings You've given them, above and beyond what they normally see. I pray that Your light is shown to them through me and that even at my lowest times, they can still see Christ in my life. I pray for my friends and my family and their families too. I pray for all the parties planned, that each one will remember that You sent us Your precious son as the most AWESOME gift of all and that in the end, You sacrificed him for all of us to have the second most precious gift....everlasting life with You, and that we will ALL remember to thank you for sending us the beautiful baby in the manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes!
As for myself, Lord, I pray for your uneneding patience, undying love and mercy and your arms to hold me when I cry. I ask that you continue to carry me when I can't seem to put my feet down under myself and walk. I pray again for healing and for the ability to raise my daughter to follow you. I pray for my most wonderful husband, that you blessed me with almost 22 years ago. I pray that you continue to watch over us and keep your hedge of protection around us. I pray that you watch over Kendra and her family as they try to make it another year. I pray for her to find Your peace, in her mind and heart.
I pray for our nation! Father God, I pray that you show yourself to each and every troop member that is somewhere besides at home with their families right now and throughout the holiday, that they will see You are the reason. You are really what they are fighting for, for this country, for our birthrights as Americans and as Christ followers. I pray that you keep them safe, show them love and mercy and send them home to be with there families, if even only by phone or webcam!
Father God, all of this I ask in His precious name, Amen"
That is how I survive the Holidays even in my daze....PRAYER
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Well, it does and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not. I can't seem to catch up to myself at most times but I keep trying to slow down, and I just haven't made it to myself yet.
I am not sure that I'm really happy with who I am or where I am in life at this exact moment but I know that I AM where God wants me to be and I'm trying to be patient and happy with that.
I am really greatful that He gives me a new day to do over and make up for my mistakes each new day that I do wake up breathing! I know that I have a far way to go to be a better me but I'm also learning that I will have to accept and try to be content with what and who I am now!
I am also in a period of questioning: God, myself and what others are seeing when they see me.
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see the lost me?
Do you see the pain?
Do you see the sorrow?
Do you see the joy?
Do you see the need?
Do you see the happiness?
Do you see the contentedness?
Do you see the questions?
Do you see the depression?
Do you see the love?
Do you see the passion?
What do you see when you look at me?
I see my fears, my insecurities, my inabilities, my disabilities, my sadness, my sorrow, my depression, my joy, my passion, my love, my happiness. Some are more vibrantly colored than others....Some I am actually afraid will overtake my senses and cover me up where I can't see myself at all.
Poetry in life is timeless. My life is timed. When will my time run out? Do I care? No. When my time comes, I will be ready...not necessarily willing but I will be ready!
This is not meant to be depressing....ha ha
It's just for me to celebrate that I did awaken another day and I'm trying to accept that I will never be thin again, I will never be able to do many things that I once considered to be great joys in my life. I will just have to continue to find new joys, new ways to spend the energy I have when I do have it. I want to celebrate that I am breathing, fat and getting older and decrepit every day! EVERY DAY!