Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Do you think about what knowledge you would like to have versus what you do have or what you wish you had?
Do you wonder what amount of knowledge God wants you to have that you have not found yet?
When I'm around others, I feel insignificant. I feel like a lesser intellect and inferior knowledge wise to most of the people I am around. There are some that make me feel more so than others. Yet, deep down, I know that just because my biblical smarts are not as high ranking as others, my street smarts or book smarts or just plain common sense smarts are much higher than some of them. But, I still do not feel like an equal.
What do I know and what am I supposed to know? Then the next question is....What am I supposed to be doing with what I know? Yep, that's it in a nutshell for me? I feel like I am always seeking wisdom but never finding the place where I'm supposed to be.
I miss having a small group, a hometeam. I miss the fellowship with my church family. My health along with my short months of business each year, have prevented me from attending church for quite sometime. This saddens me as Kaylee does not get to go if I do not go. Kaylee loves Jesus and the stories that she gets at church. She loves to be with other children and even the fact that I do not even know her teachers name at church does not bother her. It does bother me though. What is her name? His name? Who are they that are teaching my children? Why don't I know them? Who are the children that are in her class? Should we be going to a church closer to home where there will be children that are in her class at school? Children that she will grow up with? Do Paul and I sacrifice the love we have for our current church to give her something that she might need or is that even a consideration?
So, do I lack wisdom? Yes, but in ways that even I don't understand. I lack wisdom of how to say NO, I can't turn someone down when they are in need, I can't say, sorry, I can't help you pay your water bill because I don't have the money to give you...I just do it. I take them in, I shelter them, I feed them, I financially help them even when I don't have the money to do it....I JUST DO IT.
Because I feel led to I suppose. I am not sure why I do most of what I do but it never ceases to amaze me the difference in my hubby and I. I WANT to help others, I act on that want. I think I need to help others. He wants to help others but is afraid to act on his feelings. When I get him to do something, it's usually with a grudge but then he's really hyped that he did it. Over and over the same pattern.
I do not attend a small group anymore for just that reason. I am a needy person. I feel like I am always asking for help. I am trying very hard to learn or find the wisdom to do what has to be done with the disabilities that I have and find ways to do what I feel I can't do as well. I get so tired of needing help that I don't ask and then I suffer the consequences. I am tired of being dependant on others. I'm tired of asking others to help me with things that a normal person should be able to do on their own.
I am NOT normal. At least not anymore. I am trying hard to accept this new reality. It is difficult. This is where I am also seeking wisdom.
I need to learn how to ask for help and not be upset when someone can't help me. I need to learn to be self sufficient when I know that others can't do for me what I need help with. I need to trust that God will provide for the things I can't do and accept that I cannot change my own reality.
I have accepted many things lately. I want to change some of them and some of them I will have to live with now for the rest of my life. I have been told that by the time I'm in my mid 50's I'll be in a wheelchair. Do I accept that or trust what happens will happen because it's God's will not what a Dr. tells me.
Seeking wisdom, it's a never ending thing. I seek wisdom on how to answer questions like, "Hey Colleen, how are ya"? or "Colleen, how are you feeling today"? or How's your back doing"?"
Do I continue to evade those questions or do I answer truthfully or do I continue to cover up the real answers with what I believe that person wants or needs to hear? Are they seeking wisdom? Are they actually wanting to know what I feel or how I am?
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Here is something I found interesting when "seeking wisdom" on the internet....
This is the full prayer as written in it's original form by the author...
Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Here it is in Portuguese
Serenidade para aceitar as
Coisas que eu nao posso modificar
Coragem para modificar
Aquelas que posso
E sabedoria para distinguir
Umas das otras.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Hunting with the Family!
One of the four best things about the entire week was that I shot my first turkey. A hen, to be specific. I shot her at over 110 yards with my Remi 708 and did not even scar the breasts. I made a great, clean body shot that made me a bit proud of myself.
Second of the four best things was that I got to hunt with Kaylee and Paul. We were annoyed but had a great time together....especially when Paul started snoring and Kaylee said, "Dad's making more noise than I am...how come your'e not yelling at him"? haha That was perfect!
Third of the four best things was that I got to hunt alone finally and even with Paul. I shot a doe and that was lots of fun but a whole different story....if you read this, you can ask me about it. Funny, but mostly just to myself!
Fourth of the best things was that I got to hunt with my nephew Jake. We were having a good time and being silly but getting restless and then there he was. My buck. Seven points if you count the one that was broke off about 1 inch from his main beam. But, he was really a nice size. I am pretty sure he was about 4 yrs old and was not going to amount to much antler wise at any point further on in his life so....considered a cull in our lease....I took aim....and shot. I blew the shot but he dropped immediately and I was again, fairly proud...until I saw that I broke his back....another story. BUT, then we watched as a plethora of deer moved in and out of the feeder area, even while my buck was laid out underneath it. WEIRD to say the least, and something I've never before seen. They just kept coming and coming back time after time. WEIRD! Jake and I were laughing and the adrenaline rush was still in my hands and they were shaking when we saw a couple of culls....two little spikes and two little forkhorns (4 ptrs) that were without the G-tines. A defect that is prevelant on our lease and we are trying to irradicate. I decided that Jake needed to shoot one more so that dad and Andrea could have meat for the year. He took my "Pretty Baby" and when we finally decided he needed to shoot the funky spike, he took aim, pulled the trigger and...................nothing......I used the last shot. He loaded a new shell and took aim again but the spike had moved out of range and site for a bit so he settled back down and took his time while we watched another group move in and out and in and out. We then decided to take the biggest of the 2 forkhorns. He settled himself, took aim and BAM.....down he dropped. Let me tell you that we had one of the best hunts I've ever had. We walked to where his deer was and where mine were and took pictures with them and then did the happy happy joy joy dance while we waited for Paul to come get us and our deer.
It was a truly great time, and I am proud to say that I love my family and the values we share and the ability to say that outloud.
Praise God that we still can.
Thank you soldiers for fighting for my right to be able to say that outloud. I am grateful to you for all the sacrifices you are making on our behalves.
Dad, thanks for giving me a mind to learn and grow and to accept why we hunt and do not kill.
Paul, thanks for giving me the chance to hunt with you and not just listen to your stories and not have a chance to make my own.
Kaylee, thank you for accepting that we enjoy doing this together and that we are happy that you enjoy being with us at the same time and that you understand the difference between killing and hunting. I sure am proud of you!
Joe, thanks for your son, whom I love dearly and know that without your wisdom, he would not be half the man he is today!
Uncles Jerry and Ronnie, thanks for showing me that families can do more than just camp together.
Jake, thanks for one of the best times I've had in a very long time and thank you for giving me a taste of what it would have been like to have Ian at the lease with us, if even for just one short evening.! I love you for that! Mostly I just love you for being you!