Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Yesterday was not one of those days. Yesterday began with a great morning with Kaylee. Getting her up and ready for school and dropping her off and heading to my friends house for our morning workout. I was in an exceptionally good mood! Even for me! I was laughing, smiling, on the inside and the outside. I was happy! Truly happy.
We did about 2 hours of excersising and then decided to run some errands with the girls (workout gals) and headed for town to do some last minute shopping for this weekends adventures.
I was running around spreading cheer and joy and laughing merrily all afternoon. I was loud, I was almost obnoxcious happy and driving the other two nuts.
Then.... EVERYTHING CHANGED.....
I lost my cell phone. I lose alot of things but I have never in 11 years, lost my cell phone. I was actually in a state of panic. I have numbers on there that I can't go without. I have business connections and such on there as well. I don't like re-entering numbers into a new phone, much less without the original sim card.
What does all of this have to do with humble pie you might be asking right about now?!
Well, yesterday afternoon, I came home and read my email and found that I'd received one that was a note of serious hurt. I did it. I actually hurt someone. Did I do it intentionally? NO! I say that emphatically because it's 100% true. Not only would I NEVER hurt someone intentionally, I would hope that I've never hurt anyone by accident either...that I know of, it's a rare thing for me to do. I am the nurturer, the healer, the taker of all bad....I love giving, gifts as well as giving of myself. I do not think I am selfish enough to say that I've never hurt anyone, because I am sure I have. Many times, but never intentionally or never set out doing something that I thought would hurt anyone. Mostly stupid things, just not making good decisions, having poor judgment or just acting before my brain says what is right or wrong. Then, it's too late!
I hurt a very dear friend and although I could not entirely understand her anger, it did come to me why she was hurt by what I said and that I had written something and sent it to many, that she read one way and everyone else read another.
One of the lessons here is this:
You may say something, write something, tell something, to someone or to many and even if it effects even one of them, you've done something wrong. Watch what comes out of your mouth, your head and off your tongue. I did not pay attention to what I was writing, I just wrote something off the cuff, as is usual for me! I never really think things through and you can't retract an email.
I am finally getting to the humble pie part I promise....
I called this person, after having sent out a mass email apology note correcting my error and asking for forgiveness. There were many more facets to this and some of them hurt me as well but that is altogether a different story. I can't hold onto something....whether or not it's good or bad, I can't hang on to it. I have to move forward, blow it off and keep going. That's just my nature. Others are not like that. Some do not have the ability to forgive and forget. I have to remember that as well.
I caused someone pain. That in itself hurt me. I wanted it rectified. I wanted to feel better and in order to do so, I had to apologise from my heart and my pride and my very soul.
I had to look at what I'd written from her point of view and from the point of how her life was/is and how, although I can never fathom the pain she's lived, I could have prevented this little bit. As her friend, I should have prevented it by simply not doing it.
So, after apologising several times yesterday, still not feeling forgiven, I went home and tossed and turned all night, sick to my stomach because I do not like dis-harmony in my life. I create enough of it on my own, I do not need to add to it. But after such a restless night, I was thinking it was I who deserved an apology. It was me who needed to be told "sorry" because I too was hurt. I went straight over to settle it once and for all and I had my markers and boundries all laid out and was ready to tell my friend that I was due an apology for being put in a spot that I felt so badly but being made to feel overly guilty for doing it. Especially since it was not intentional.
She was still not ready to acknowledging my apology to my needed standard of forgiveness. I did not "feel" it. I was suddenly struck with the thought that I had to humble myself to her pain and go beneath the anger to the sorrow and anguish I caused her heart to feel. I think she needed me to feel something like it to understand it.
I felt her hurt, her pain, her sadness and not for a moment, did I doubt that she'd finally understood that I had reached that point of "humbleness". Did I deserve it? Not really, but then again, maybe so!
I hugged her and I cried out my sorrow at hurting her and I acknowledged that her friendship meant more to me than her forgiveness and at that moment, God lifted my burden and I believe hers as well. She had a right to be angry with me and I knew it. I knew that she'd reach a point of letting go and I'd just have to be patient and wait till it happened. Just because I wanted it, did not mean I'd get it. . . . . See where I'm going with this?
We went to a new level of friendship. One where we both know the boundries of our feelings and layed them out and open for all to see before God and let Him take the hurt away.
I ate "Humble Pie" today and not only was it horrible to taste, it leaves a nasty residue that takes some time to wash out of your body.
My heart is clear and clean, but my soul is still wounded and sorry. I forgave not only her but myself as well for hurting her.
Intentional or unintentional...does not matter. I hurt someone I love and I regret it deeply.
I can do no more once I have apologised? Yes I can!!! I can continue to try to see things through open eyes and mind and heart, beyond what I know and see, beyond what I can feel, to that area of gray just beyond my reach where the mystery of love and forgiveness and brokenness and joy are all wound up in one little ball, ready for the taking from God's own hand. Ask and ye shall receive, thus sayeth the Lord. I believe it!
Here are just a couple of scriptures that I found while working on this blog....not thinking...just writing.....did I learn my lesson? Maybe not but maybe I'll pay a bit more attention to what I write when it's not just what I'm feeling and putting the words down on paper so to speak.
2 Chronicles 34:27Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before God when you heard what he spoke against this place and its people, and because you humbled yourself before me and tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD.2 Chronicles 34:26-28 (in Context) 2 Chronicles 34 (Whole Chapter)
Proverbs 6:3then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor!Proverbs 6:2-4 (in Context) Proverbs 6 (Whole Chapter)
My prayer for today:
Father God, thank you for my family. Thank You for my husband and my children, my parents and parents in law, my sisters and sisters in law, my brothers in law, my son in law, my grandboys, my neices, nephews and cousins. Lord, thank you so much for all of them that are a part of my life. Father, thank you for my friends, without whom I would not be who I am. For they are the ones that help me through when family can not, they lift my spirits when I can not pick them up. They make me laugh, cry and even humble myself before You.
I thank You for my flaws, for my tender heart, for my short comings, for my good and my bad. I thank You Father.
Father, I ask forgiveness for my sins today. The ones I have committed against You and the ones I've commited against my family, my friends and even myself. I ask forgiveness for my wrong doings, and anything I've done that would take away even a spark of the love You have for me.
Father God, I pray that You hear my cries and that You release some of the enternal pain that my friend feels so that she can be free from the past and look only to You and the future You have planned for her.
I pray that You continue to guide me even when I fail You and that You will continue to keep me wrapped up in Your love, mercy and grace. I pray that You will continue to carry me when I can't lift my feet to take even one more step forward. I pray that You will continue to push me forward when all I want to do is make a hasty retreat.
Father God, I pray that You heal the hurt, cure the disease and feed the hungry. Miracles are what we need now more than anything. I believe in miracles. I believe in You, Father.
Father, thank You for loving me unconditionally and showing me that eating humble pie is not so bad when it makes one look at the broader spectrum.
All these things, I ask in Jesus name,
Monday, February 02, 2009
It's all about BREAKING
It was the part that says, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours"! Think about that for a moment and let the words really sink in.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours....
In my daily life, my faith remains ever strong and diligently in place, but my humanity causes me to fail and to sin. Not just my humanity, but my lack of will or inability to say no to something or to run with the crowd, or just making bad decisions...sinning.
I am sure that I break God's heart so many times a day that I should wonder why He still loves me. But I don't! I know that no matter what, unconditionally, He will continue to love me for all eternity! Of this I'm sure! No doubt in my mind...my name is in the book. However, if my heart were to break when I err, would I feel what He feels?
What do I do that causes the most pain to Him? Is it using poor judgement, or saying a cuss word, or not obeying something He has told me to do, or just being myself and doing things I know that I should'nt?
What if I felt His pain each of these times? Or, is the guilt I feel, the same as the pain and dissappointment He feels in me?
Have you ever wondered, how many times you've let Him down? How many times you've taken for granted that He forgives you? How many times a day...a week....a month....a year?
What would it take for us, as humans, as God's children, to feel and be ashamed of what we do enough to really quit doing them? How many times do we do the same things over and over and expect not to eventually feel some sort of shame or guilt? How do these moments make Him feel? Is He proud that we finally noticed that we are screwing up and when we do FINALLY feel guilty or ashamed, does He think to Himself, "they won't do that again"! And then we do! Again and again and again.
I am sure that on a moment to moment basis, I hurt him over and over. I know that because I feel guilty for one reason or another, no matter what the situation.
I am overweight....what about my "temple"
I am not doing enough for others
I am not doing enough for myself
I am not publishing my book
I am not being as selfless as He'd want me to be
I dont' want to give up drinking Dr Pepper
Am I missing something? How can He break my heart for what breaks His, if I am not listening, or accepting the responsibility for my actions....how can anyone?
Break MY heart for what breaks YOURS....
If only we did take responsibility for all our errors, bad judgments, mistakes made, and so on and so on....
I do take ownership for my evils and such but I am still sure that I do things I don't even realize are hurting Him. I'm sure of it!
So, again, how does He break my heart for what breaks His?
Is my pain, how He breaks my heart?
Is it something that He allows to occur physically, or mentally or spiritually? I don't have the answer....If you do....please help me out here.
Do you have an answer?
So, listen with your heart when you are worshiping through song, you never know what words He will put on your heart or why until you ponder on them awhile!