Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Do you think about what knowledge you would like to have versus what you do have or what you wish you had?
Do you wonder what amount of knowledge God wants you to have that you have not found yet?
When I'm around others, I feel insignificant. I feel like a lesser intellect and inferior knowledge wise to most of the people I am around. There are some that make me feel more so than others. Yet, deep down, I know that just because my biblical smarts are not as high ranking as others, my street smarts or book smarts or just plain common sense smarts are much higher than some of them. But, I still do not feel like an equal.
What do I know and what am I supposed to know? Then the next question is....What am I supposed to be doing with what I know? Yep, that's it in a nutshell for me? I feel like I am always seeking wisdom but never finding the place where I'm supposed to be.
I miss having a small group, a hometeam. I miss the fellowship with my church family. My health along with my short months of business each year, have prevented me from attending church for quite sometime. This saddens me as Kaylee does not get to go if I do not go. Kaylee loves Jesus and the stories that she gets at church. She loves to be with other children and even the fact that I do not even know her teachers name at church does not bother her. It does bother me though. What is her name? His name? Who are they that are teaching my children? Why don't I know them? Who are the children that are in her class? Should we be going to a church closer to home where there will be children that are in her class at school? Children that she will grow up with? Do Paul and I sacrifice the love we have for our current church to give her something that she might need or is that even a consideration?
So, do I lack wisdom? Yes, but in ways that even I don't understand. I lack wisdom of how to say NO, I can't turn someone down when they are in need, I can't say, sorry, I can't help you pay your water bill because I don't have the money to give you...I just do it. I take them in, I shelter them, I feed them, I financially help them even when I don't have the money to do it....I JUST DO IT.
Because I feel led to I suppose. I am not sure why I do most of what I do but it never ceases to amaze me the difference in my hubby and I. I WANT to help others, I act on that want. I think I need to help others. He wants to help others but is afraid to act on his feelings. When I get him to do something, it's usually with a grudge but then he's really hyped that he did it. Over and over the same pattern.
I do not attend a small group anymore for just that reason. I am a needy person. I feel like I am always asking for help. I am trying very hard to learn or find the wisdom to do what has to be done with the disabilities that I have and find ways to do what I feel I can't do as well. I get so tired of needing help that I don't ask and then I suffer the consequences. I am tired of being dependant on others. I'm tired of asking others to help me with things that a normal person should be able to do on their own.
I am NOT normal. At least not anymore. I am trying hard to accept this new reality. It is difficult. This is where I am also seeking wisdom.
I need to learn how to ask for help and not be upset when someone can't help me. I need to learn to be self sufficient when I know that others can't do for me what I need help with. I need to trust that God will provide for the things I can't do and accept that I cannot change my own reality.
I have accepted many things lately. I want to change some of them and some of them I will have to live with now for the rest of my life. I have been told that by the time I'm in my mid 50's I'll be in a wheelchair. Do I accept that or trust what happens will happen because it's God's will not what a Dr. tells me.
Seeking wisdom, it's a never ending thing. I seek wisdom on how to answer questions like, "Hey Colleen, how are ya"? or "Colleen, how are you feeling today"? or How's your back doing"?"
Do I continue to evade those questions or do I answer truthfully or do I continue to cover up the real answers with what I believe that person wants or needs to hear? Are they seeking wisdom? Are they actually wanting to know what I feel or how I am?
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Here is something I found interesting when "seeking wisdom" on the internet....
This is the full prayer as written in it's original form by the author...
Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Here it is in Portuguese
Serenidade para aceitar as
Coisas que eu nao posso modificar
Coragem para modificar
Aquelas que posso
E sabedoria para distinguir
Umas das otras.