These last few weeks have been really difficult. Not just for me but for those that I care about, love and have been praying for. Where do I begin?
My father has been diagnosed with cancer. FACT: painful
I just lost a friend who left us at the young age of 47. FACT: painful
A couple from my church has just lost a 3rd child and are grieving. FACT: PAINFUL
I am still suffering from effects of post surgical recovery. FACT: PERSONALLY PAINFUL
UPDATED: Today, I lost a wonderful uncle to cancer. FACT: More tears
I have been reading a book called, "TRUSTING GOD through TEARS" by Jehu Thomas Burton.
http://dogbert.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=196212104
I have cried, smiled and screamed out in anger and frustration for the sorrow people have to go through in life.
FACT: God does not make the bad things happen but He does allow them to happen for His purpose. He alone knows the reasons. Please allow me to quote a section from the book.
This is Jehu speaking (writing).... "I believe that the individuals truly blessed of God are those of us who experience the fiery crucible of pain, tribulation, and trials, for it is during these times we are drawn closest to God. I can now see how God uses suffering as His most effective tool for changing everything about the way we live and how we treat other people. God's conforming hand is most active in our life in the midst of tribulation.
I have experienced a life-changing event-- one that has altered my nature, my view of life, my life's priorities, and my relationship with every person I shall meet for the rest of my life. God used the death of my son to change me, and these (in the book) changes are the fruit born out of my suffering."
(Colleen now) "When my son Ian died, I went through all the "normal stages of grief". I sulked, I cried, I didn't cry, I screamed, I was angry, I denied, I hurt. Alot.
I could not understand how God could allow a child to grow and spread love and joy everywhere he went and touch the hearts of everyone he met, only to take that away so quickly. Especially after we prayed and tried for him for so very long almost 10 years. Life is not fair. I still believe a parent should not outlive a child and that makes things even tougher. This Sept. 18th will be 5 years. Not long enough to have healed but long enough to learn how to vent my anger and sorrow. I have written 2 books. I have written many poems, and I have been learning how to speak to others dealing with the same type of loss. Losing a child. I have been bourne of God and set out by Him to minister to other moms and dads that have and will experience this tragedy. It is not something I wanted to do but God has made it clear that I will do it. I read every book I can find on the subject of losing a child and though all of them ring similar, none of them are my thoughts and feelings, my ideas or my prayers. Though many people say that grief follows the same patterns in all, just in different ways, and I do agree to a certain extent, I am absolutely positive that those people suffer differently and in great degrees of difference. I will continue to pursue the path that God is sending me on and will continue to pray for those who have lost a child or children as well as praying for those who will at some point join this unimaginably horrible support group.
I know many people who have gone through this pain and the ones that stayed strong in their faith and love for God, have all survived with a strength that only He can provide. Most of them even became stronger in their marriages and have been amazingly strong friends to me. God bless you, you know who you are. I cannot write anymore because it is becoming increasingly difficult to see the screen.
My prayer: Father God, Thank you for my family. The ones here and the ones gone before me. Lord, thank you for the air I breath and the fact that I awoke another day doing it, thank you for my friends, thank you for my children, the blessings that they bring me as well as the sorrow that comes with being a mother. You have blessed me many times and I cherish each blessing. Father, please continue to give me the strength that comes only from your mighty hands and give me the courage to keep going day after day for another 5 years and then be able to look back and say, "ok, it's been 10 years". Father, lead me continually down the road you have chosen and Father, be with each of those who have and will go through the tragedy of losing a child. Father I ask that you put a special blessing on a certain young ladies heart that has just lost another beautiful blessing from you and that you will one day rejoin all of us with our blessings in heaven. I cannot wait to see you and then my son. Thank you Father, in Jesus name, Amen"