Have you ever felt lonely even when you have family around? When you are married with children? Loneliness is almost like a disease. It eats at the foundation of our existance. I know that lately I have sounded (or written) slightly depressed. I think more likely the term would be repressed. Having been couped up in my house for so long, with little companionship other than that of my lovely 2 year old daughter, I have lost some of the spunk I used to have. I am getting not only bored but lonely. I know that Paul is understandably tired of having to do all the work and all the parenting and such and he has no time left for me. He is very aware of my pain but I don't believe he understands the depths of it. I am really great at hiding it. Ya know how someone asks you how you are feeling.... I believe that they (unless they REALLY know you) don't necessarily want the truth. They want a feel good answer. I am really tired of "feel good responses" and I am tired of lying but I don't feel it is necessary to let people know how much I hurt. Therefore I get lonely. I cry out to God to please release me from the pain so that I will not be ashamed to call up my friends to talk and the conversation won't be all about me and my recovery. Now don't get me wrong, I love talking about my scars because they are constant reminders to me of what I went through to get better. I'm just still waiting on the getting better part. I can't do much cleaning yet, can't exercise, can't drive, can't even pick up Kaylee when she cries. I have to keep the faith that God WILL see me through this valley as He has the multitudes of others, but I am really bearing the burden of "I can do it myself". I know that I cannot but it is still there in the back of my mind all the time. I also realized today that even if I could drive, it is costing too much for fuel these days to just get in and go like I used to. I also realize this goes both ways. It will cost my friends gas money as well to get out here. It is crazy and I should be really grateful for the opportunity to sit around and do nothing. I should be thrilled that I cannot clean my own house but again, it is getting old. I am spending many hours working on the computer and doing graphic design for others and playing on my blog and I really enjoy it but I would love to have a neat (my house is messy not unclean) home again. I would love to be able to do my own laundry and prepare dinners. Now don't get me wrong. I do some of these things, I just pay for it a couple of hours later with pain that can't be controlled with medication. I am trying really hard not to have to live on medication but have learned that when ya gotta, ya gotta! I would really love a jacuzzi and a backrub right now. Then I think maybe I could clean the kitchen. haha
My prayer: God thank you for my friends, thank you for Paul, thank you for my family. God please keep my friends safe and remind them that they are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and don't want them to forget me out here. In Jesus' name, Amen