Why is it, do you think, that you blog? For relief, release, fun and to just let your hair down once in a while? Just those reasons alone would be enough, but for me it is to come out of the mask I've chosen for myself. I wear a different mask for different occassions. I wear one daily to avoid having to explain about my pain levels. I smile and keep on truckin'. I write so that people will get to know the real me! THE REAL ME!
I guess I expected more from this blogging world though, because I expected to be put on the blog lists of people that know me and, guess what, they all did, except family. I know that I have family that read this but they never leave comments. Why is that I wonder? Is it because they are ashamed of me, afraid of me, do they think I'm dumb, my posts are not interesting. Well, I really don't care because I am not wearing my mask. They are, in a way, I suppose, hiding behind one of their own. I cannot judge, I do not want to care about it but I do and since this is my blog and I can pretty much write what I want to, I will.

It bothers me that I am not included. It bothers me that I feel like the last one to know anything. It bothers me that I feel like I'm stupid around some of the family. It bothers me that they make me feel that way. It bothers me that there are judgements on me when I feel that all I really care about IS my family. I am always sharing my family with others and I am proud to have the family that I have.
Yes, sometimes, I get overly excited about things but I think that God loves me most when I am "overly" excited because at least I'm being honest. I am not hiding, avoiding, mistrusting, and many more adjectives that come to mind.
I am having trouble with the fact that some people say something in their blog but in reality they don't do what they either say they do or are trying to do.
Is that two faced? Isn't that a mask?
Mind you this post is not just about my family. It's just how I feel. That's it!
I am not trying to make anyone mad. I do that enough on my own in my daily life. I am not trying to point fingers, I am not trying to justify, I am just trying to write the way I feel and if you are touched in anyway by this post, then, you just have to tell me or deal with it yourself. I have decided that I am strong, I will perservere, I can make it, I can deal with the pain, I can answer questions about my life honestly, without reserve, I can accept that I will never really fit in, etc.
I can honestly say that for the most part......I am happy.
I have hopes, I have dreams, I have desires, and someday they will all be fulfilled. Whether here on earth or in heaven, I am not to know, but they will all become reality someday.
I have a heart, a soul, a mind, one or the other may not work like others do but they are there all the same.
I have the need to be included. I need to be loved, I need to be appreciated. I am. Just not always by the ones I expect it from at the time.
I desire to be sucessful, but I do not care if that happens or not. I am already a success. God made me, God loves me, and God blesses me every day.
I dream of my son, that does not change the fact that he is gone. I am allowed to dream of him, because memories are all I have. God will bring me home one day and I will see my son again.
I dream of my living children having a desire to serve Christ. I wait for that to happen. I have dreams of walking without pain. That to will probably not be an earthly happening but when I walk through the gates of heaven, friends and family preceding me, beware!!!! There's gonna be some floor shakin', mountain rockin', gold brick crackin' jumpin' up and down, praisin' goin' on!!!
Now, I guess since I am posting in the wee hours of the morning because when you can't sleep from pain, why lay down? I suppose I should be doing dishes or something like that.
Just for some of you who don't understand why I blog......I talk to God almost all the time I'm writing because I am relaxed and I am alone with my thoughts and just because I blog, I do not feel it takes away from my worship time or my time alone or quiet time. It makes it even better.
I know what I have to say to Him and I know what I need help with and need to work on and so on.....

Have a great day today and don't read too much into this post as it was done in the middle of the night.