Praynlady's Blessings & Other Fun Stuff: To Cry or Not To Cry........

Monday, September 19, 2005

To Cry or Not To Cry........

Yesterday was 5 years from Ian's death. It is still a hard day to get through. We did something a little different yesterday than we usually do. We took a drive. Ok, we left the county! We went to the deer lease for the day. I agreed to go with Paul so that he would'nt have to make the trip by himself. I am now sure that I am certifiable! 5 hours up, 3 hours there, 5 hours return trip! 13 hours in the truck! Ok, this, you would think, would allow you WAY too much time to think. It didn't in fact. We talked, I slept, we talked some more, I slept, Roscoe slept, and we drove on..... We made a stop for a break and then it all began again. More driving. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing but it is really hard on my back. I have to change positions so many times that it makes the seat belt a nuisance. I did enjoy our time alone though. Kaylee stayed the night Saturday with my sister in law, Tracy and she kept her for the day and brought her home when we returned. I was really hoping Paul would want to talk a little about Ian but it is still too hard for him to communicate things about him. We both still miss him sooooo much it is like there is a space in my life that has a gaping hole and there is nothing that can fill it. I cried alot yesterday. I would picture him playing, singing and some of the other crazy things he would do and then I'd see him in the hospital. I try really hard not to have visual memories of the hospital because they come flooding back if I let them. Yesterday, however, I almost welcomed any memory so that I could see him in my mind. Unfortunately, I could'nt get past the visions of the hospital. I saw many of them more clearly than I had in a while. It is hard still. The trip was not without benefits though. We stopped and bought some groceries and had a picnic in the truck at the lease. We made sandwiches, had watermelon, chips and cream cheese. It was not the best, but it was time spent together and that is what I treasure most.
We made it to another year. Seems yesterday at times and eons at others.
Ian turned 5 heavenly years old yesterday and I did take a moment to forget my sadness and thank God for the wonderful 7 years we had him here. I look forward to seeing him again and I know that Paul and I will both see him one day. I know that the day was also hard for Kendra. I know that she won't say things but that it is always there, in the back of her mind and she will hide it like I do until the end of time. For her sake, I really wanted to pull over somewhere out in the country and just yell at the top of my lungs. SCREAM! Fight the injustice of it all. The unfairness. But, as things are, we will make it another year and we will continue to pursue happiness and wholeness even knowing that it can never really be achieved without Ian here. We will continue to do our best to move forward and strive to be examples of "A couple that made it through"! It can be done. It just takes, God, family, faith, and friends.
May God bless each of you today and I pray that He will somehow touch your heart and that you will walk closer to Him.
I would ask that you love your children like the gift that they are and hug them like it could be the last. I remember my last hug and I will treasure that it was on the morning of the wreck!

Aaaawwww, I forgot yesterday was the day, Im sorry you had a sad day, but im glad you got to spend alone time with Paul....

YESSS!!!! You made it another year and you will make it many more to come. I will be praying for all of you (Paul, Kendra and of course you)

A GOOD name is better than precious perfume, and the day of death better than the day of one's birth.
It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter, for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better and gains gladness.(A)
Eccli. 7:1-3

6But God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking, comforted and encouraged and refreshed and cheered us
2 Corinth. 7:6

I pray pray that in these hard times, GOD's Spirit, the consoler, is constantly consoling your soul...
Hey Girl,

You know my heart is with you in love and pain. I so wish I had been able to meet sweet Ian this side of Heaven. I know and love his family, and he through their memories and pictures.

For those of us who are visual and whose memories are like movies playing over and over in our minds - this can be a blessing and a curse. I've often asked God how can He use me through those memories of the hospital as surreal as it all was.

Tony is at visiting hours for a friend this evening who was killed in a tragic accident Thursday evening. When we heard about his death, I immediately thought of his 13 year old son - was he okay? My mind pondered - which would be worse - to lose your 13 year old child or to have your 13 year old chld lose you? I selfishly put myself in the man's place and was relieved that it wasan't the son who died, as I know how horribly life altering it is to lose a child - but how selfish of me. Now there is a young boy who no longer has his precious dad with him. The loss of that human body and spirit is tragic either way. God gave us this huge capacity to love that when that He takes one of us Home with Him - the void is unbearable.

In my emptiness I thank God that, altough I hate that you know, that there are those who know that pain and emptiness I feel all too well.

My heart and love...
I have nothing profound to say. I will be in prayer for you as this breaks my heart. Thank you for helping me to remember how special my time with the girls are--even on the rough days.
Keep relying on God to fill the gap left in your life. Be assured that your dear boy is now without sickness, sadness, fear or pain where he is now - and with the Father who loves him more than even you, his mother, ever could.

Treasure your family as it is now, and look forwards to your reunion in heaven some day.

Although we as a family are going through hard times, reading your post really did help me change my perspective and outlook. My hope is that God will richly bless you in this 6th year.
My prayers are with you right now. I'm sure the anniversaries are very difficult. Thank you for sharing him with us, through your memories.
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