Psalms 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Wow, this verse really hit me. I have fallen to a very low place in life and can't seem to see anything from here but shadows. I suppose that should I visit a general doctor he/she could diagnose me as a clinically depressed person. I would believe them. I am depressed. I have reason to be depressed. However, I have forgotten along the path to this depression, that God is still with me. No matter how far I sink, or how low I get, He is there with me. I have forgotten that I can cry all I want to but unless I am truly crying out to Him, there will be no change. I talk to Him on an extremely regular basis. Hourly sometimes. I let Him know how bad the pain is and how tired I am of suffering. When I think I just can't stand it anymore, He sends someone to my side to encourage me. Usually my mom! Thanks mom. ( I will never, ever, be able to thank you and dad for all you do and have done for me and Paul and Kaylee. but I will keep trying).
I woke up early this morning, in pain and with some new ones to go with the old ones. This is not, by the way, a great way to start a day! I do always pray to wake up in less pain than I had when I talked to God last, at bedtime. Anyway, I looked at the clock and it read 6:42 am. I reached over to feel for Paul and he was not there! I was horrified. He is always home by 6:00 each morning after working graveyards. However, he has just worked his second double from evenings to graveyards and has been so tired that all I could think was that he'd been in an accident. I tried his car phone, I tried work, no answers at either. Finally about 6:51, I was so worried I tried the plant one more time and one of Pauls co-workers answered and said he'd just left right at 5:30. I explained that he was usually home by now and while silently praying, God reminded me that the time changed last night. So simple. I apologised to the girl on the phone and told her I needed to count more on my faith and what I had just realized about the time change. She didn't realize it either. Apparently her husband had changed all of their clocks before going to bed so she never realized it had changed. Paul was home safely on time!
Ok, I digress. I have come to the conclusion that pain causes more than just physical suffering, it causes mental, and emotional suffering and damage as well. I may be in chronic pain for the rest of my life. I will not live on medications. Besides, they are not really working anyway and they are bad for your liver and kidneys. I will try harder to depend on God's strength.
Psalms 51:11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me.
I will try harder to know in all pain that You are with me, that You believe in me and You have the understanding that comes with mercy and will allow me to see it when the time is right.
Psalms 51:12 Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.

Father, as I come to you this morning, I am so grateful for what you've allowed me to have and share. My family, my children,my friends, my home and all that you've given me. Thank you so much for Paul. Lord I pray your protection over him as he travels to and from work, and while he is at work. Lord, I ask that you keep on him a watchful eye and make him aware of dangers around him as he drives home after such long hours. Father, I thank you for my parents. I could not have made it this far without them. They have been my steadfast warriors through out my life and even as they age, they continue to be strong for me. Thank you God. Father, I ask that you would release me from the bondage of pain. That in your merciful ways, you would just heal whatever is causing the pain and suffering. I have faith that this is in your power and in your will. I will continue to pray for all whom are suffering and all who will continue to suffer and their families. Lord I pray that you would look into my heart at all the prayer requests there and answer them. Lord I pray that you will answer the prayers of the warriors in my hometeam (small group) and let them know how much they are appreciated. Thank you Father for all You do and for all You are capable of. I love you and in your precious son Jesus' name, I pray these things. Amen