Monday, September 01, 2008
When You Have To Let Go
A young and dear friend of mine lost a teenage friend of hers this past week and is learning how to deal with loss, grief and the sense of something just not being right. In an email to her I shared some of the following but I have modified it for others to understand and have left out the name of the precious friend she is still saying good bye to.
(Please take a moment to pray for those who've had to bury a child way before the normal sequence of life has been fulfilled, tragically, slowly, through war, accidents, disease, etc. ..Pray for those who are friends to them and do not yet understand the bitter feelings of loss and grief.)
When my son died, he, Ian was wearing a seatbelt. It did not save his life. They are designed to HELP save lives. They are not a guarantee. They have to be worn properly and fitted and most of us do not do this. Ian was laying down with the seat reclined...he slid right out of it!
One of the precious gifts that was given to me when Ian died, was the gift that gave me the ability to understand, to really open my heart and "hear", a way to talk, grieve, counsel and communicate with others who are grieving over a child who's sudden death has changed everything forever.
It's not fair and it's not in the right order and we have to learn to accept, and keep going. (for example:)
When Ian had been gone for about 8 months and we were cleaning out his room of some of the things that were special, we came across a train set and we asked the giver of this set if he wanted it back. He said no, so we asked my father (a train collecter) if he would care to have it and after hanging up on me several times, I could not understand what the problem was.
Months later, my father told me what was happening in his mind;
he said, "A grandfather should leave things to his grandchild, not a grandchild leaving things to his grandfather".
This broke my heart but it taught me something else about the timing and the sense of devastation at all levels of the family. There is a normal order of things and when a child passes, it is not normal and therefore much harder to accept.
Those are the two hardest parts...
Accepting and Keep Going
...accepting that you won't be setting a place on the dinner table, or buying the same number of tickets at the football game or seeing a graduation you looked forward to all your life or having a daughter in law, or grandbabies...
...accept....keep going....there are so many others that are counting on the parents strength, especially if there are other siblings to ____....
...accept...they will never again call you to pick them up from a friends house, or ask to borrow the keys, or .....
...accept...that every night when you walk past their bedroom, you will have to look inside just for comfort, you will smell their clothes, you will cry, you will hurt, you will grieve...
...accept....that you will go to visit them every chance you can at the cemetary for many months, years even...
...to keep going, simply means that you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going FORWARD...
...as painful as it seems, it will take you out of the depression and denial of a loved one we've had to bury...
...to keep going...means that you have to learn to live with the pain and cherish the memories, the love and the life that once was....
...to keep going...you have to believe you will see the person/child/friend/parent again in heaven...God has promised us that...
...To keep going....you have to let the person go and live the life that you still have in front of you to the very best of your ability...
...to keep going and accept what has happened is not easy but necessary...
...to keep going and to accept a loss of this magnitude will linger in your heart forever in the hole that was left behind....
We can and do and will survive.....
I know this may not help any, but I would ask that you share it with any family so that they can/will have hope...
...hope that tomorrow they can actually breath, that they can eat and not feel guilty, that they can smile and know that their child is watching everything they do...
...to wake on a new day and know that all things are in the right place and time according to God's will.
It's not fair but it is God's will and accepting that HE does not make bad things happen but he does allow them to happen is hard as well. (I have a very long story that goes with that sentence but I'll spare you
Their child will long be remembered by all of his/her friends and all of his/her family and those memories will live forever in your hearts.
That is an awesome legacy for someone whom we've had to let go of.
On that note, please tell the family this for me:
"My son died, but he is not lost! I know exactly where he is!" He lives with Christ at a new address but he is NOT LOST~
~ I DID NOT LOSE HIM, HE FOUND GOD~
I know losing a friend can be devastating but just to be prayerful for the time that will come for the family in about 4 weeks when everyone goes back to work, or back to "their" normal, this family will not have a "normal" for a year or so.
Wow, I didn't know I had that much to say but there is still more so I'm off of here before I write a book on grief!
©Colleen Cooper 9-01-08
Follow this link to an incredible song that is about the grief process after loosing someone you love. It's an incredible song by Mercy Me called "Homesick"...I hope you will hear the message in the song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE
(Please take a moment to pray for those who've had to bury a child way before the normal sequence of life has been fulfilled, tragically, slowly, through war, accidents, disease, etc. ..Pray for those who are friends to them and do not yet understand the bitter feelings of loss and grief.)
When my son died, he, Ian was wearing a seatbelt. It did not save his life. They are designed to HELP save lives. They are not a guarantee. They have to be worn properly and fitted and most of us do not do this. Ian was laying down with the seat reclined...he slid right out of it!
One of the precious gifts that was given to me when Ian died, was the gift that gave me the ability to understand, to really open my heart and "hear", a way to talk, grieve, counsel and communicate with others who are grieving over a child who's sudden death has changed everything forever.
It's not fair and it's not in the right order and we have to learn to accept, and keep going. (for example:)
When Ian had been gone for about 8 months and we were cleaning out his room of some of the things that were special, we came across a train set and we asked the giver of this set if he wanted it back. He said no, so we asked my father (a train collecter) if he would care to have it and after hanging up on me several times, I could not understand what the problem was.
Months later, my father told me what was happening in his mind;
he said, "A grandfather should leave things to his grandchild, not a grandchild leaving things to his grandfather".
This broke my heart but it taught me something else about the timing and the sense of devastation at all levels of the family. There is a normal order of things and when a child passes, it is not normal and therefore much harder to accept.
Those are the two hardest parts...
Accepting and Keep Going
...accepting that you won't be setting a place on the dinner table, or buying the same number of tickets at the football game or seeing a graduation you looked forward to all your life or having a daughter in law, or grandbabies...
...accept....keep going....there are so many others that are counting on the parents strength, especially if there are other siblings to ____....
...accept...they will never again call you to pick them up from a friends house, or ask to borrow the keys, or .....
...accept...that every night when you walk past their bedroom, you will have to look inside just for comfort, you will smell their clothes, you will cry, you will hurt, you will grieve...
...accept....that you will go to visit them every chance you can at the cemetary for many months, years even...
...to keep going, simply means that you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going FORWARD...
...as painful as it seems, it will take you out of the depression and denial of a loved one we've had to bury...
...to keep going...means that you have to learn to live with the pain and cherish the memories, the love and the life that once was....
...to keep going...you have to believe you will see the person/child/friend/parent again in heaven...God has promised us that...
...To keep going....you have to let the person go and live the life that you still have in front of you to the very best of your ability...
...to keep going and accept what has happened is not easy but necessary...
...to keep going and to accept a loss of this magnitude will linger in your heart forever in the hole that was left behind....
We can and do and will survive.....
I know this may not help any, but I would ask that you share it with any family so that they can/will have hope...
...hope that tomorrow they can actually breath, that they can eat and not feel guilty, that they can smile and know that their child is watching everything they do...
...to wake on a new day and know that all things are in the right place and time according to God's will.
It's not fair but it is God's will and accepting that HE does not make bad things happen but he does allow them to happen is hard as well. (I have a very long story that goes with that sentence but I'll spare you
Their child will long be remembered by all of his/her friends and all of his/her family and those memories will live forever in your hearts.
That is an awesome legacy for someone whom we've had to let go of.
On that note, please tell the family this for me:
"My son died, but he is not lost! I know exactly where he is!" He lives with Christ at a new address but he is NOT LOST~
~ I DID NOT LOSE HIM, HE FOUND GOD~
I know losing a friend can be devastating but just to be prayerful for the time that will come for the family in about 4 weeks when everyone goes back to work, or back to "their" normal, this family will not have a "normal" for a year or so.
Wow, I didn't know I had that much to say but there is still more so I'm off of here before I write a book on grief!
©Colleen Cooper 9-01-08
Follow this link to an incredible song that is about the grief process after loosing someone you love. It's an incredible song by Mercy Me called "Homesick"...I hope you will hear the message in the song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE
Labels: accepting, death, friends, friendships, grief, loss, love
